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Three decades ago, a very popular saying attempted to convey the problems of misperception in communication. It went something like this: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Communication is a tricky thing. Sometimes we’re (as some would say) “dialed in” to what the speaker is expressing. Other times, even though the subject matter is well understood by everyone involved, responses to queries are off the requested beaten path. Why is that? I’ve been instructed that the person who asks the question guides the conversation. If that’s true, then it follows that an answer that doesn’t address what is required is the fault of the questioner. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes a question can be asked but the person who responds is focused on the part of the subject that’s important to him/her. Thus, it doesn’t matter what you ask, he/she is going to offer an opinion based on their own parameters, not yours.
So, what do we do about this? In some instances, it doesn’t matter much. The verbal volley is continuing the conversation and it will all follow a natural progression whether by rabbit trails or straight paths. That said (and appreciated), when a specific answer is necessary — not an “I need you to agree with me” answer but an “Address this, please” answer — how do we forestall the frustration when things seem to derail? How do we continue to keep an important conversation going, not dropping the ball in frustrated silence nor irritating and frustrating other participants?
Some of it, I think, comes from really good listening skills: a willingness to honor and respect others in the group by allowing them to say what’s on their minds. At the same time, we’d have to be very secure in our memory abilities because we’d want to guide the conversation back to the main subject.
What else do you think is essential? And why do you think I’m focused on this? Because my Matt and I are looking for our next rental home, and we’re finding it, ah, “interesting” hearing and acknowledging each other’s concerns and delights. Some of it is frame of reference because my wonderful husband has worked in two separate industries that had him all over the valley, thus he has a better, more informed knowledge of neighborhoods than I do. Another is our individually different perceptions of “safe.” Matt has experienced things I have not and I’ve been through things he hasn’t, so we look at neighborhoods differently. But when we get together, compare notes, listen to each other, and stop dancing around the “I don’t want to discount this if he/she wants it”, we get a much clearer idea and a more distinct focus.
In our lives right now, this is what communication is all about. In your lives, what’s going on? How are you expressing yourselves? How are you blessed by each other’s differences? How are you challenged? I’d love to hear and be privileged to pray for you.
All of Heaven’s best,
Margret
